Ten More Terrible Valentines

If you missed the first ten terrible Valentines, you can find them here. My mom asked for more. Today is her birthday and tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so I thought I better do as she asked.

"A POETICAL POSEUR
Behold this pale little poet,
With finger at forehead to show it;
But the way he gets scads
Is by writing soap ads,
But he wants nobody to know it!

"SUGAR DADDY
You're old and gray, you're bent and lame
Yet on each arm you boast a dame
You think the gals are sweet on you
It's just your SUGAR, sad but true!"

"TO MY VALENTINE
A CHRONIC
FAULT FINDER
Of growling your
household hears more
than its share.
For your manners are
modelled on those
of a bear.
Of this sort of thing
you should know people tire
Do give them a rest,
now and then
from your ire."

'To my Valentine
'Tis a lemon that I hand you
And bid you now "skidoo,"
Because I love another -
There is no chance for you!'

"HEART-AGONY IS A FREQUENT AFFLICTION WITH YOU.
Into your soft and susceptible heart,
Cupid, shy Cupid sends many a dart!
Some arrow-proof armour you ought to prepare;
Then the pangs of these wounds you'd not have to endure."

"Sure such monstrosities as these appear
Can never last the fashion for a year
Such vast dimensions! such a breadth of skirt!
'Tis all one's work to keep it from the dirt
And scarlet petticoats are all the rage
With dress suspended by a lady's page.
While hoops and bones and such like things
Keep up the fabric working upon springs."

"BALD-HEAD.
Your bright shining pate is seen at all shows
And invariably down the bald-headed rows.
Where you make conspicuous by your ardent care
Your true ardent love for that one lonesome hair.

"Beware of the
Snake in the Grass."

"MISS NOSEY.
On account of your talk of others' affairs
At most dances you sit warming the chairs.
Because of the care with which you attend
To all others' business you haven't a friend."

And, of course, there's one for the postal worker who delivers these cards!

"Did you ever lose a letter in the post?
I'll take this lot
home tonight
and deliver them
by the morning's
post
TO A WOODEN-POST MAN
Hurry up! Hurry up! with that Post Card.
Your pay is not quite princely. your work is
somewhat hard.
To wed a penny postman is not my fate,
For that you'll find I'm posted much too late."

I hope your Valentines are friendlier!

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Top Ten Terrible Valentines

"Greetings from Krampus,"
a German Christmas legend applied to Valentine's Day.

Not looking forward to Valentine's Day? Consider a Vinegar Valentine. Costing only a penny to send, Vinegar Valentines were also called 'Penny Dreadfuls.' An invention of the late-nineteenth century, they were typically sent unsigned.

These cards ridiculed the men and women who received them with equal abandon, poking fun at looks, faithfulness, greed, and one's ability to sing. I found hundreds of these cards, but the following ten are the best.

"THE JOHNNIE
The things that fill your mind (?) we know
Candy, Flowers, Clothes, a necktie bow,
One fact these gew-gaws can't efface -
The mind they fill is empty space."

'A BIRD
One day, walking out, you heard
Some fellow say, "Gee! She's a Bird!"
You did not see him when he winked,
And said, "That Bird SHOULD be extinct."'

"Here's a pretty cool reception,
At least you'll say there's no deception,
It says as plain as it can say,
Old fellow you'd best step away."

'VALENTINE GREETINGS
GREED
The card-playing maid is the
"limit,"
Her mind is on the cards
ev'ry minute;
If she loses the prize,
Oh, how deeply she sighs,
"Tis so awful not to be
in it!"'

"TO A HOMELY LADY
I'd give all I have in the world,
To bask in the light of thine eyes;
But a lover more favored than I,
Has taught thee my suit to deny.
Alas! not a shadow of hope!
Then I must such beauty resign!
Oh! how I do envy the man
Who calls you his dear Valentine."

"DON'T
SIT UP THE NIGHTS
ADMIRING YOURSELF
THE BEST THAT
CAN BE SAID OF YOU
IS THAT YOU PASS IN A
CROWD."

"The Suffragette Valentine
Your vote from me you will not get.
I don't want a preaching suffragette."

"YOU ARE A NERVE-DESTROYER
WHEN a pig's getting slaughtered, the noise that it makes
Is sweeter by far than your trills and your shakes;
And the howling of cats in the backyard at night,
Compared with your singing's a dream of delight.
Your equals and your bawls are such torture to hear.
A man almost wishes he had not an ear:
If someone would choke you, and thus end their pain.
Hearty thanks from your poor distressed neighbors he'd gain."

"MISER
You slave and save and starve yourself
And I can't see the reason why
You've hoarded all those piles of money -
You can't take it with you when you die -"

"Oh! you ugly little thing
The sight of you's disinteresting
You should look worse if it were not
For your gaudy dressing
Just fancy calling you a page
You should be in an iron cage"

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If you have enjoyed the work that I do, please support my Victorian Dictionary Project!