Friday, February 13, 2015

Ten More Terrible Valentines

If you missed the first ten terrible Valentines, you can find them here. My mom asked for more. Today is her birthday and tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so I thought I better do as she asked.

Behold this pale little poet,
With finger at forehead to show it;
But the way he gets scads
Is by writing soap ads,
But he wants nobody to know it!
You're old and gray, you're bent and lame
Yet on each arm you boast a dame
You think the gals are sweet on you
It's just your SUGAR, sad but true!"
Of growling your
household hears more
than its share.
For your manners are
modelled on those
of a bear.
Of this sort of thing
you should know people tire
Do give them a rest,
now and then
from your ire."
'To my Valentine
'Tis a lemon that I hand you
And bid you now "skidoo,"
Because I love another -
There is no chance for you!'
Into your soft and susceptible heart,
Cupid, shy Cupid sends many a dart!
Some arrow-proof armour you ought to prepare;
Then the pangs of these wounds you'd not have to endure."
"Sure such monstrosities as these appear
Can never last the fashion for a year
Such vast dimensions! such a breadth of skirt!
'Tis all one's work to keep it from the dirt
And scarlet petticoats are all the rage
With dress suspended by a lady's page.
While hoops and bones and such like things
Keep up the fabric working upon springs."
Your bright shining pate is seen at all shows
And invariably down the bald-headed rows.
Where you make conspicuous by your ardent care
Your true ardent love for that one lonesome hair.
"Beware of the
Snake in the Grass."
On account of your talk of others' affairs
At most dances you sit warming the chairs.
Because of the care with which you attend
To all others' business you haven't a friend."
And, of course, there's one for the postal worker who delivers these cards!

"Did you ever lose a letter in the post?
I'll take this lot
home tonight
and deliver them
by the morning's
Hurry up! Hurry up! with that Post Card.
Your pay is not quite princely. your work is
somewhat hard.
To wed a penny postman is not my fate,
For that you'll find I'm posted much too late."

I hope your Valentines are friendlier!

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