Top Ten Terrible Valentines

"Greetings from Krampus,"
a German Christmas legend applied to Valentine's Day.

Not looking forward to Valentine's Day? Consider a Vinegar Valentine. Costing only a penny to send, Vinegar Valentines were also called 'Penny Dreadfuls.' An invention of the late-nineteenth century, they were typically sent unsigned.

These cards ridiculed the men and women who received them with equal abandon, poking fun at looks, faithfulness, greed, and one's ability to sing. I found hundreds of these cards, but the following ten are the best.

"THE JOHNNIE
The things that fill your mind (?) we know
Candy, Flowers, Clothes, a necktie bow,
One fact these gew-gaws can't efface -
The mind they fill is empty space."

'A BIRD
One day, walking out, you heard
Some fellow say, "Gee! She's a Bird!"
You did not see him when he winked,
And said, "That Bird SHOULD be extinct."'

"Here's a pretty cool reception,
At least you'll say there's no deception,
It says as plain as it can say,
Old fellow you'd best step away."

'VALENTINE GREETINGS
GREED
The card-playing maid is the
"limit,"
Her mind is on the cards
ev'ry minute;
If she loses the prize,
Oh, how deeply she sighs,
"Tis so awful not to be
in it!"'

"TO A HOMELY LADY
I'd give all I have in the world,
To bask in the light of thine eyes;
But a lover more favored than I,
Has taught thee my suit to deny.
Alas! not a shadow of hope!
Then I must such beauty resign!
Oh! how I do envy the man
Who calls you his dear Valentine."

"DON'T
SIT UP THE NIGHTS
ADMIRING YOURSELF
THE BEST THAT
CAN BE SAID OF YOU
IS THAT YOU PASS IN A
CROWD."

"The Suffragette Valentine
Your vote from me you will not get.
I don't want a preaching suffragette."

"YOU ARE A NERVE-DESTROYER
WHEN a pig's getting slaughtered, the noise that it makes
Is sweeter by far than your trills and your shakes;
And the howling of cats in the backyard at night,
Compared with your singing's a dream of delight.
Your equals and your bawls are such torture to hear.
A man almost wishes he had not an ear:
If someone would choke you, and thus end their pain.
Hearty thanks from your poor distressed neighbors he'd gain."

"MISER
You slave and save and starve yourself
And I can't see the reason why
You've hoarded all those piles of money -
You can't take it with you when you die -"

"Oh! you ugly little thing
The sight of you's disinteresting
You should look worse if it were not
For your gaudy dressing
Just fancy calling you a page
You should be in an iron cage"

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Some Don'ts and Do's for Letter-Writers (Circa 1896)

I found the most wonderful book today, granted it's from the wrong London (but so am I).

Social Etiquette or Manners and Customs of Polite Society was written by Maud C. Cooke and published in 1896. I found it, while looking for more information on letter writing, so while Social Etiquette covers everything from "Introductions and Salutations" to "How to be Beautiful," I shall focus on those pages which provide an epistolary guide.

Cooke devotes several pages to the etiquette of letter writing summarizing it all in a list at the end: Some Don'ts and Do's for Letter-Writers. Much of her advice is contradictory and confusing. We are supposed to speak openly and naturally in a letter, but never say too much. Really one should sound like they are saying everything without saying very much at all.

And don't squirm as you think about how to go about this task. There are right and wrong ways to sit, when you are writing a letter, and it's different for ladies than it is for gentlemen.

The improper position for a man looks rather a lot like the proper position of a lady, if you ask me.

Guides and manuals, like this, were quite popular in the 19th century. Lewis Caroll published Eight or Nine Wise Words About Letter-Writing in 1891. Of course, Caroll took a very tongue-in-cheek approach to an art form that changed from decade to decade. Earlier in the century, ribbons were very popular and letters could be decorated, like ladies visiting cards, but by the 1890s letters were plain - though not very simple.

Some Don'ts and Do's for Letter-Writers

Don’t write an anonymous letter; it is a cowardly stab in the dark.
Don’t pay any attention to an anonymous letter; it is not worth your regard.
Don’t conduct private correspondence on a postal card. Many persons consider this an insult. A purely business message may be thus sent, but even then the slight saving in postage is small recompense for the delay so often attending the delivery of postal cards.
Don’t use a postscript; it is unnecessary, old-fashioned, school-girlish, and in a particular, punctilious letter the omission of any important matter necessitates the rewriting of the entire letter rather than the use of a postscript. In very friendly letters one may be permitted to add the forgotten paragraph in the form of a postscript, omitting, however, the obsolete abbreviation, “P.S.”
Don’t write on a half-sheet of paper unless the nature of the correspondence permits the use of the ordinary business letter-head. If the note is short, write only on one side of the paper, but don’t tear a sheet in half for economy’s sake. The rough, torn edges, denote haste, ill-breeding, or carelessness on the part of the writer.
Don’t use tablet paper for ceremonious letters.
Don’t write on both sides of the paper to any but very intimate friends or relatives, they being disposed to tolerate slight departures from formality on our part.
Don’t meddle with foreign nouns or verbs unless conversant with the language itself; incorrect and ungrammatical usage is too apt to be the unhappy result. Even foreign names and titles should not be used without the exactest care as to their orthography and application.
This rule should be especially remembered with reference to all matters destined to pass through hands editorial.
Don’t erase misspelled words in letters of any moment. Recopy the entire missive.
Don’t quote too constantly.
Don’t underscore your words, unless they express something very important.
Don’t send enclosures in a letter written by some one else; only the greatest intimacy can excuse this practice. Write your own letters and send in a separate envelope.
Don’t write a letter in a towering passion; you would not care to have it confront you in some cooler moment.
Don’t cross the writing in your letters. Life is too short and the time and eyesight of your correspondent too precious for this.
Don’t fill up every available blank space and margin of your letter with forgotten messages. If these are very valuable, add an extra sheet to your letter, thus saving its appearance and the patience of its recipient.
Don’t divide a syllable at the end of a line. The printer may do this, not the letter-writer.
Don’t fall into the habit of using long words in a letter, they show a straining after effect. One should “say,” rather than “observe,” “talk,” rather than “converse,” if one’s missives are to be easy, well-bred and readable.
Don’t refold a letter, the marks always remain to show your carelessness. Fold it correctly the first time.
Do remember to answer all important questions in a letter clearly and decisively.
Do burn the great majority of your letters after answering. Those that are to be kept should be filed away in packages adding date and writer’s name on corner of envelope and by a word or two suggesting the topics with which they deal. This will save time in referring to them.
Do answer your friendly letters with reasonable promptness. To do otherwise is a breach of etiquette. An unanswered letter is an insult, a cut direct. Business letters, of course, must be replied to at once.
Do send a postage stamp when you write a letter of inquiry, the answer to which is of interest only to yourself. A stamped and addressed envelope would be a still better enclosure.
Do, if you are an absent son or daughter, write home promptly and regularly; the comfort this will be to the parents at home, and the pain they suffer at any negligence on your part, cannot be overestimated. Husbands and wives, when separated for a time, would do well to follow this same advice.
Do date your letters carefully. Events and proofs of the greatest importance have hung upon the date of a single letter.
Do put sufficient stamps upon a letter to make sure of no extra postage falling to the lot of your correspondent.

 

Do put your address plainly in all letters. This ensures a prompt answer and, in case of miscarriage, a speedy return from the Dead-Letter Office.
Do, if a business man or woman, have your address on the outside of your envelope. This will make sure of your uncalled-for letters returning to you immediately. It is well to do this in any case where a little uncertain as to the exact address of your correspondent.
Do read your letters over carefully before sending, that no errors may be overlooked.
Do give every subject a separate paragraph instead of running the whole letter, social items and sentiment, all into one indistinguishable whole.
Do begin the first line of each paragraph, at least, one inch from the margin, of the page.

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Never Let Edmund Gosse Arrange the Seating Plan for Dinner!

I found these two accounts of a dinner party, here, and just had to share because I don’t want to forget about them. The dinner party took place on 25 July 1888 at the Criterion, when the Society of Authors held a dinner for some American writers, including Henry James. Some of the British writers in attendance included Wilkie Collins, Walter Besant, Oscar Wilde, and Edmund Gosse.

With all of these important people present, Gosse was in charge of the seating arrangement.

In his writing, Wilde made some dinner parties seem like adventures. According to this account, by the secretary of the society, James Stanley Little, Wilde had a knack for doing that in real life too (though not all adventures are entirely pleasant)!

When I arrived at the Criterion another difficulty presented itself. I was immediately confronted by Oscar Wilde who, in his inimitable manner, upbraided me for having seated him at the table next to Lady Colin Campbell [who had recently referred to Wilde as ‘the great white slug’]. As I turned away with the assurance I would see if I could re-shuffle the name tickets, Lady Colin approached me with bitter reproaches on her lips, she being no less dissatisfied with her neighbour. Both being Irish, it may be imagined that their descriptions one of the other did not lack picturesque vividness. I had no previous knowledge, of course, that there was an old-standing war to the knife between these two. Well I had to keep smiling, welcoming guests, introducing, etc., though I was suffering the tortures of the damned, and how I got through that dinner without collapsing is a mystery to me to this day.

Like all good adventures, I’m sure Little looked forward to the dinner; he clearly regretted it, while it was happening; and thought fondly of it after the fact. The next day, he wrote to Besant:

We scored a brilliant success last night. The reports and leaders in this morning's papers are, I think, all that could be desired. The various American guests expressed to me their feeling of satisfaction and I believe the evening went off without a hitch ... I don't know how far the dinner was successful from a culinary standpoint, as I was only able to eat the devilled lobster which was certainly admirable.

However, Wilde would later recommend to Little:

I can only hope that if the Society gives another banquet the arrangement of the guests will not be left to a person like Gosse.

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Dear Mr. Morgan

The latest news about writers in London in the 1890s comes in the form of a forgotten letter by Oscar Wilde to an unknown Mr. Morgan. The advice in the letter (what has been shared so far) can be taken several ways, but I like to relate to my predecessors from across the sea.

The letter advises Mr. Morgan:

The best work in literature is always done by those who do not depend on it for their daily bread—and the highest form of literature, Poetry, brings no wealth to the singer… Make some sacrifice for your art and you will be repaid—but ask of art to sacrifice herself for you and a bitter disappointment may come to you.

This is the kind of advice I would have given, during my last days as a staff writer for a magazine when my daughter was small. It reminds me of the small sense of tragedy in needing to do what you always wanted to do. A short while later, I met a poet and confessed that I used to write. "What happened?" he asked. "I started working in journalism," was my reply.

Oscar Wilde indeed came to depend on the income that he earned through writing. Many of his surviving letters inquire of his publishers about advances. Many of his wife's letters ask her family for money. They were by no means poor in their time, but Oscar Wilde was true to his words:

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Sometimes, I can really relate to the Wildes.

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American Cigarettes

The second and final paragraph of this letter from Oscar Wilde to his brother in 1893 might be my favorite Wildism ever. Oscar Wilde's reputation as a chain smoker sticks with him to this day. Apparently, his aesthetic tastes extended to cigarettes as well. Though his brother, Willie Wilde, was not an aesthete, he was as much of a chain smoker as Oscar. This letter emphasizes the difference in their tastes or standards regarding cigarettes. 

He writes:

I am greatly distressed to hear you and the fascinating Dan are smoking American cigarettes. You really must not do anything so horrid. Charming people should smoke gold-tipped cigarettes or die, so I enclose you a small piece of paper, for which reckless bankers may give you gold, as I don't want you to die.

By July 1893, Oscar's brother was in a state of increasing financial need, so this may have just been a pleasant way for Oscar to help him out. Ironically, a Google search for gold-tipped cigarettes brings up an American brand and I haven't been able to find a brand that Oscar would have recommended to his brother. The records don't have Oscar smoking gold-tipped cigarettes exclusively, references have been made to him smoking Egyptian cigarettes, though I suppose Egyptian cigarettes could be gold-tipped as well.

* While looking at photos for my entry on Hairy Men, I found a picture that named a brand Oscar may have recommended: Ogden's Guinea Gold Cigarettes, but I can't find any reference as to when these were first produced.

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